This week feels like I have been running into the wall with my eyes closed. I feel almost disconnected from our Father and I'm yearning to feel His love. Tonight, I'm hoping to find His embrace as I write tonight's post.
Tonight's prompt is Open
Remember: 5 minutes of unedited, let your fingers fly across the keyboard and let the words pour out of your soul!
When I saw the word 'open" it instantly brought to mind the night my heart was opened... the key had been inserted, twisted to the right, and unlocked. I'm not sure I can write the entire story in just five minutes but I'm going to try my best. I'll finish afterwards if I can't.
Ready, set, .... GO!
For as long as I can remember, I've always believed there was a God. Our God, our Savior, Our King of kings. I don't recall ever doubting, it was just something I simple knew. He was there, always was, always has been, always will be. However, I didn't always live for Him. I put my own wants and needs first and as an after thought, I brought Jesus in when it was convenient for me. Man, was I doing things all wrong! I'd like to go back and kick myself a few good times if I could. But, here I am now, growing stronger because of His grace and love and I am learning how amazing our Lord is!
So, how did I get to where I'm at now? This is my testimony...
As I said before, it wasn't an issue of believing if God existed, it was giving up my life, my freedoms, myself - to Christ.
Matthew 10:38 And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.
Okay, I really thought I'd get further than that! So, back to the story- I agreed with very shaky fingers to speak at this event. I was a nervous wreck since up to that point I had never done any sort of public speaking and I wasn't one to share my past with too many people. It was personal and it was mine. But, God was preparing me for something far greater than I could have imagined. I sat down, prayed, and started to recap my life on paper (well screen cause paper is so 1990's lol). It took all of an hour to complete a rough draft. By the following day I had it tweaked and waited nervously. The evening had finally arrived and I was all set. I was incredibly anxious, couldn't eat and wanted to chain smoke (I since quit). The moment came and the mic was in my right hand. All I could do was shake. Seriously. I get to the podium and take a deep breath and asked God to help me. And that's when the Holy Spirit showed up! Whew! Cause I was seriously sweating! My voice was steady, calm, and full of passion. My words were powerful, they were meaningful, they had heart and love. It was one moment in my life that was absolutely beautiful as God showed who He is and what he offers. The night ended and I reflected on what had just occurred. First, I knew I was redeemed. I also found out that God loved me more than I had ever imagined before. I was special. I had a purpose! He showed me my heart... you see it was full of cuts and tears. It cried in agony when I allowed myself to think of the past. The trampled feeling of defeat as I felt useless in the Lord's Army. My heart was broken and in need of restoration. That night... it was more than restored, it was filled with the Holy Spirit and I stopped living for me and started living for Christ. When I say I wanted to climb Mount Everest and scream "Hallelujah Praise God!" I seriously would have if I could have! I never expected the Lord to show up in my life so abruptly. But that night it was as though he bombarded my entire body.
I started looking back on old blog posts, fb statuses, notes I had written here and there. God didn't just show up one day and said hey now's the time... He has been there the ENTIRE time... watching, guiding, loving me even when I didn't love myself. Those old posts proved to me I had more of the Lord with me than I ever realized I had. They showed me that it was me who denied Him at times and chose to live for my earthly desires instead of His desire. And that breaks my heart.
I cannot explain how thankful I am that God has allowed me to serve Him. I don't ever want to be lost again. Ever. And when someone asks me why I believe in God, my answer is simple: "I believe in God because He believes in me."